What's left of me
by ailoveyou
Summary: After five years, Clarke moves back to Arkadia with her daughter. Her daughter and Bellamy's son become friends. So how is she going to keep her secret? Or maybe it's better if she just tells her secret?
1. chapter 1

**_The year 2012_**

 _"_ _I can't do this anymore Bell," a tear trailed it's way down her cheek, hanging from her chin a few seconds before falling on her grey jogging trousers, leaving a spot of dark grey on her knee. It was the first tear to fall, after the decision she had made that afternoon. She lifted her feet onto the couch, pressing the phone to her ear and hugging her knees with the other arm._

 _"_ _If you can't choose, I will. This has to end, it shouldn't even have started," more tears fell down as she continued, wetting her both cheeks and making larger dark spots on the jogging trousers, "Gina is good for you, she told me you are starting a family," she took a deep breath and winced, "you deserve to be happy, to have a family and…" a sob ended the sentence before she could complete it, "make this work Bell, don't let me ruin this for you," Clarke finished her speech, if you could call it one._

 _"_ _You're right," he agreed without emotion from the other end of the line, "I'm sorry, I am Princess," the nickname made Clark let out a sob. The emotionless response made her wish she could see what he was feeling. But on the other hand that had been exactly the reason why she hadn't done this in person. She would've stopped, she would've changed her decision if she had seen what Bellamy was actually feeling._

 _"_ _Just, be happy Bell. I got to go, I need to work in five hours," it was a lie, but Clarke sounded convincing enough._

 _"_ _Night Princess,"_

 _"_ _Night Bell," it sounded more like a goodbye, soft but definitive . She pressed the red 'end call' button before Bellamy could say anything, throwing the phone toward the wall opposite of the couch, letting all her emotions take over. It was better for the both of them, but that hadn't made the decision lighter on her._

 _Gina had bumped into her at the gynecologist a few days earlier. She had happily told Clarke about her pregnancy, she was three months along and everything was going well. After she had told the news she asked what Clarke had been doing there. She made up a lie, telling Gina that she was thinking about an internship. Not long after Gina went home to Bellamy, who apparently hadn't had the decency to tell Clarke about the pregnancy, Clarke was called in. She was eight weeks pregnant._

 **The year 2017**

"Chloë, it's time to go," Clarke yelled at the curly blond girl looking over at her. Chloë looked back towards the play castle, then back at Clarke. Clarke sighed and nodded in agreement, making the blonde girl smile from ear to ear, getting back on the play castle.

"Mommy?" Chloë took Clarke's hand after she went down the slide of the play castle the last time, "where are we going?" They walked towards the packed car.

"We're going to move all the boxes…"

"All the boxes we just packed last week, we don't have to unpack them again do we?" Chloë interrupted, a little pout on her mouth, her soft brown eyes looking at the larger blonde questionably.

"Yes smartass, all the boxes we just packed last week, we are going to bring them to our new home," Clarke looked down at the little girl, smiling at the five year old.

"How far?" the girl asked, looking at her mom, pulling Clarke to the car faster. Chloë liked car rides, as did Clarke. Though, both for different reasons. Clarke always got time to think, driving made her head empty so she could get her thoughts straight. And luckily for her, Chloë always fell asleep in the car.

"It's a four hour drive, baby girl," Clarke looked at her watch, "we'll be there in time to eat dinner in our new home town, Arkadia."

The girl nodded, taking seat in the back while Clarke helped her put the seatbelt on, before walking to the driver's side. She took place behind the steering wheel, clicked her seatbelt and secured her hair in a fast ponytail, a pair of loose curls against her cheeks . It had been five years since she left Arkadia, leaving the city to live in a quieter neighborhood, to be alone with her own feelings, deciding what she wanted to do.

But now she had gotten a job offer in the gallery an old friend had opened two years back, and that was back in Arkadia. So she needed to move back again, which made her stomach turn a little. She had had some contact with her old friends there. But the talks had been short and lately, she didn't really have the time. Neither did Octavia, Raven or Lexa, so the contact hadn't really been that good, not since she had moved away. Monty had taken the time to call frequently, especially after Jasper had died, always asking her if he could come visit, but she always told him he shouldn't. Her house was to messy, with all the painting stuff, or she just had a new lover, or there was some other reason she thought of. And there was Bellamy, who hadn't contacted her since their last phone call.

And then there was the little girl in the backseat, her baby girl, they didn't know about her. Not yet. It had been five rough years, even with the help of Abby and Marcus, who came by as much as they could. Truth be told, there hadn't been any lovers, a few dates, but nothing worth the trouble. There hadn't been friends who stayed long enough, who could actually break down her walls. There hadn't really been anyone, and Clarke was grateful for that. She had needed the time alone.

"Mom, can we stop to get an icecream?" they had been driving for two hours, Chloë had just woken up and was pointing at a McDonalds sign next to the highway, Clarke saw the blonde pointing at the big M through her back mirror.

"Sure, but you'll have to eat in the car, okay?" she asked, focusing on the next exit to get to the McDonalds. Chloë didn't answer, which made Clarke sure she had nodded in agreement. Chloë ate her ice cream in peace, before falling asleep again. An hour before arriving in Arkadia, Clarke's phone rang, playing the song Roan, her new boss, put in the phone for his contact. A few moments she let it play, loving the song, before putting the phone on speaker.

"You always give me hell, Roan, what's up," she reacted to the song that had played, Gives you hell by The All-American Rejects.

"You almost here? Thought we could get dinner together, so you don't have to eat alone your first evening back here,"

"I haven't eaten alone in five years, but you're a good guy for giving me the chance to talk to you as a friend before I need to call you boss the rest of the time," she chuckled.

"Yeah well, I'm that good of a guy," he told her, "so how late will you be here? Do I need to pick you and your princess up at your new home? By the way, have you got some paintings ready, maybe we can put some of yours in the gallery, maybe you can finally become a famous painter. And I'm so looking forward in you calling me boss, you can't imagine," Clarke could hear the smirk forming on Roan's lips.

"I guess I got some paintings, I should be there in about an hour, and yes, please pick me and Chloë up, I'll text you the address," she answered his questions, after rolling her eyes at the stream of words coming from her speakers, "and Roan, could we please eat something at a quiet spot, somewhere we won't run into anyone?" Roan agreed, knowing why Clarke didn't feel like seeing anyone yet, not tonight at least. "You do know they need to know though, right?" he ended the call before she got to react and Clarke sighed, her stomach turning once again.

"I'll visit the girls and Monty in the weekend," she whispered softly, not really feeling at ease with it. A quick glance in the back mirror made her smile at the girl in the backseat, her beautiful, smart and amazing girl. She knew they would all love that little girl. The girl she shouldn't have had, but couldn't give away. The only thing that reminded her of the only person she had truly loved and the reason she had made the decision to get away from said person.

Bellamy Blake...


	2. chapter 2

**_The year 2010_**

 _"Bell, can we talk?" he groaned, pecking her lips fastly before reacting._

 _"Sure, Princess," he sighed, "as long as you keep on undressing while we talk," he winked, a mischievous smirk forming._

 _"I'm serious," Clarke put her hands on his chest, slightly pushing herself from his grasp. She sat up, trying not to think about the fact that she was sitting on top of Bellamy, on the couch he just bought with his girlfriend a few weeks earlier. His head rolled back on the armrest of the couch, rolling his eyes._

 _"I don't want to talk," he whined, "can't I convince you to do something else?" he sat up, kissing her neck eagerly, sucking on the spot that made her panties damp immediately, while a moan escaped her lips. He didn't stop, still sucking and kissing her neck, hopelessly she pulled his head towards hers, pulling his lips onto hers. The kiss was deepened when he opened his mouth, giving her the entrance she so desperately craved for._

 _"That's what I thought," he said, breaking the kiss momentarily._

 _"Shut up, we still need to talk," she groaned as an answer, before pulling her shirt up and removing her bra. A glistening in his eyes told her he didn't even hear her. Clarke almost rolled her eyes at that, but then he sucked in one of her nipples, coaxing it before biting down. She rolled her hips at that, feeling his semi-hard penis beneath her. The thought of talking leaving her mind as soon as the thought had occurred._

 **Present**

After Roan had helped get all the boxes into her house, a little two bedroom house with a beautiful garden in the back, he dragged her towards his car, without letting her dress appropriate. He helped Chloë get seated in his car before taking place behind the wheel.

"Roan, I need to shower and change," Clarke groaned irritated at the man, the door of the car opened but she remained standing outside, leaning against it. He just looked at her, eyeing her from top to bottom, then reaching over and opening up the top knot of her shirt, so she was showing a little cleavage.

"Clarke, you look just like a girl I would go on a date with," he grinned, "but you have a little princess already," he looked towards the back seat saying the comment, "and you are the most irritating women I know, so," he shrugged his shoulders and then smirked devilish before starting the engine and pulling out of the driveway, before she got the chance to go change her appearance or get in the car.

"Are you coming or what?" he shouted to her, the door of the passenger's seat of the car still open, while Clarke glanced at Roan from the driveway. A little laugh was heard from the backseat at that. Clarke just nodded, walking toward the car and getting in with a sigh.

The restaurant Roan had picked was perfect. There were only a few people, there was a little table where Chloë could draw while she catched up with Roan and there was alcohol. God, how she needed alcohol. Since the moment she drove into the city of Arkadia, she could feel her stomach turning and aching at all the places she remembered. She saw a lot of people who she recognized, not that she knew all of them, but she remembered their faces from the days she spend at the Dropship with all of her friends. She had been glad about the tinted windows of Roan's car, so she wouldn't be reminded every turn they made about what she had left behind.

"So," Roan started, pulling Clarke back out of her memories, "you'll start on Monday, you can have this weekend. But remember what I said, you will have to work Saturdays, that's why you always get Wednesdays off," she smiled because Roan had started the conversation on a topic she felt comfortable with.

"I know, I know. Saturday is your 'I'm definitely getting laid today' day," she remembered their earlier conversation about her working hours. She rolled her eyes and looked over at Chloë who was intently coloring in the kids' corner.

"How is she with the moving thing?" he asked, noticing her soft look towards her daughter.

"She is really content with it actually," Clarke sighed turning back to look at Roan with a look he could not really place.

"Does she know?"

"About what?" her eyes a little darker after the question.

"Well, that she needs to go to school here, from next year on?" he decided on the easier question first. She nodded in response.

"Of course, but she makes friends so easily, it'll be fine. She is actually quite looking forward to it,"

"And everything else? Your friends here, all the memories? Bellamy?" Clarke swallowed, looking over at the girl once more. Roan was the only person who knew about Chloë. He had been uncle Roan from the first moment the girl could speak. She glanced back at Roan, who was looking at her with a worried expression on his face.

"She doesn't…" Clarke started, swallowing back a heavy sigh. She knew that her daughter would understand. As little as she was, she was so bright and observant. She would make the link in an instant. The pain this place still brought to Clarke, she would sense it if Clarke told her about everyone.

"I know," Roan said as if to say that she didn't need to explain, not wanting to push Clarke into the conversation. Luckily the food arrived. After the waitresses were gone, a few flirting glances between Roan and the dark haired waitress later, Roan stood up.

"I'll get Chloë," she nodded in response to Roan, answering that she had to use the toilet but that she would be right back. He in return nodded at that.

As Roan helped the girl onto her seat, pulling her closer to him, he smiled at the tongue sticking out of her mouth as she was trying to get comfortable on the kid seat.

"Getting a little too big there, huh," Roan asked the girl, getting a nod in return. He smiled and pulled the chair on his other side toward him.

"C'mere," he said standing up and putting her on her knees on the chair he just stood up from. He then took place on the chair he had pulled closer earlier, ignoring the fact that the kid seat was still standing at their table.

"Hey, can I steal the kid seat away from you?" a familiar low voice asked Roan. He turned to the voice, looking behind the man who had asked the question if Clarke was anywhere near them, before answering.

"Sure, Bellamy," he said, grinding his teeth a little. He didn't like Bellamy, and Bellamy didn't like him. But they had always been friendly enough. But this was not a good thing. He wanted to give Clarke a quiet night out, before she needed to explain things that she was not ready to explain yet. And there he was, Bellamy Blake, the person Clarke was not ready to see.

"Didn't know you knocked up one of your one night stands a few years back," Bellamy looked at the blonde little girl, who made him think of the person he let go of, a long time ago. Roan decided to not react to the comment, seeing Clarke coming out of the toilet.

"Just take the seat and leave us," he said glancing at the Blake, who luckily just shrugged and took the seat with him towards the other side of the restaurant where a little kid, with dark curly hair just like his father, was waiting.

"Who was that, uncle Roan?" a little startled Roan looked back at Chloë, who followed Bellamy with her eyes, while waiting on an answer he was not about to give to the little girl. Luckily Clarke sat down opposite of Chloë, her back towards Bellamy and his son. Chloë looked at her mother, smiling a big ear to ear smile, already forgotten the man who took the kid seat with him.

"Look mommy," she said blissfully, "uncle Roan let me sit in a grown up chair," she finished clapping her hands happily. Clarke glanced a worried glare at Roan, before smiling at Chloë.

"Of course baby girl, you are old enough. If you get uncomfortable though, let me know," Clarke said, taking Chloe's little hand in hers, carressing it gently. "Let's eat, I'm starving," she then said, letting go of her daughter, digging into the food that the waitresses had put on the table.


	3. chapter 3

_**The year 2011**_

 _Breathing heavily she laid on top of his chest, sweating from the bliss she was slowly coming down from, the rhythm of his heartbeat calming her little by little. He was slowly caressing her back, still laying on the couch with her on top of him. They both knew that they would have to talk eventually, but they were both trying to ignore that. Until Clarke finally decided to speak._

 _"What time does she get home?"_

 _"We still have about forty-five minutes," he pulled her closer into a hug, kissing the top of her head. She looked up, smiling a halfhearted smile towards him. He could see a spark of sadness in her eyes. He glanced at her, asking what's wrong with his eyes._

 _"What are we doing?" Clarke asked, the question hang between them for a minute, but it seemed longer. He pulled her into his chest again, his hand wrapping in her hair. It didn't answer the question, but to be honest Bellamy didn't know how to react. He was the one not making a decision. Like always, she was the one who knew what she wanted._

 _"Bell," she mumbled against his chest, still waiting on the answer. He pushed her off of him a little so he could sit up straight, placing his back against the backrest of the couch. Clarke remained on his lap as she looked at him questionably._

 _"You know I like you," he kissed her nose, "I like this," he nodded down at her body, gripping it a little tighter, "and what we just did," he stopped then, as he was trying to think of what to say. His brows furrowed. He didn't know what it was what they were doing, he just knew he didn't want it to end._

 _"You have a girlfriend…" she said, with a small voice. He nodded, not really knowing what to say to that. "I'll never be number one, will I?" she asked, her voice shaking a little, removing herself from his lap to grab her bra and panties from the floor. She started dressing, ignoring his eyes on her._

 _"You will always," he stood up, planting his hands on her shoulders, kissing the crook between her shoulder blades, "be number one…". She shook her head, a tear trailing down her cheek._

 _"But I am not your girlfriend," her voice sounded broken this time, as she laid her head back against his shoulder. "You deserve better," he answered truthfully, "and I need us to stay us, I don't want to lose you," he hugged her from behind. They didn't speak after that. They dressed themselves, Clarke still wiping the tears from her eyes now and again. Bellamy didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but he did know he would not lose her. Not like this. They could keep this up, he could keep this up. Gina would never know. And Clarke could find someone better than him, someone suited for her. Someone who made her smile._

 **Present**

"Excuse me," a little boy with freckles and dark curls pulled at Clarkes shirt. She looked at the boy, not really placing why he looked so familiar, probably because of the moonshine she had been drinking all evening. It was like Roan was trying to get her drunk. Luckily, he made sure Chloë was kept busy. Smiling down at the little boy, who probably was about the same age as Chloë, she nodded for him to talk.

"I really like your curls," his face coloring pink at the statement. Chuckling at the blunt statement, she ruffled her hand through his untamed black curls. "I like yours too," she admits, smiling sweetly at the little boy. Who knew even little boys could be such gentlemen's. Roan coughs, gaining her attention, a cautious look in his eyes. Clarke just winks at him, not realizing what she's doing wrong, or what makes Roan so cautious about the little boy with the black curls and sweet freckles. And that's when the realization hit her, he looks exactly like him.

"Mommy, can I go play?" Chloë interrupted her thoughts, and Clarke just nods to her little girl. She quickly realizes that the little boy also left their presence, just as sudden as he had stood next to her.

"He looks just like him…" she whispered towards nobody in particular. Her eyes flashing to Roan, who looks at her with a glint of remorse in his eyes, "is he…" while nervousness started creeping into her veins she started to look around, hoping to cast a glimpse of the guy she once knew like the back of her hand.

"Clarke," Roan almost whispers, putting his hand on hers, "maybe we should go…?"

"No- let's just, I don't know," she looks back at Roan, blinking rapidly and cursing the uneasiness that settles in her stomach, "we can stay, just… let's try not to run into him. I can't deal with that right now. Nobody even knows I'm back," her voice becoming more and more unsteady as she finishes her sentences.

"Okay, I'll get the check, we can't avoid him, there's literally nobody in this place, accept for us and a dozen of others," he glances over at the waitresses, motioning for the check as one waitress catches his eye.

"Fine," Clarke bits out a little too harsh, looking apologetic the second she realized how mad she sounded. After a few minutes they walk out the door of the little restaurant, Chloë chatting away like nothing happened. It's such a blur in Clarke's head she doesn't even notice arriving home. Not until Roan pushes her knee en Chloë starts babbling about their new home.

"Thank you," she smiles from the passenger's seat to her new boss, "for bringing us to dinner and trying to keep him and everybody out of my way, at least for tonight,". With some effort she manages, even though she feels the moonshine making her a little dizzy, to get Chloë out of the backseat, the little girl still babbling while continuously rubbing her eyes. Whispering a goodbye, she watches Roan pull away and enters her new home.

 _ **The year 2010 – the start of it all**_

 _"Hey Bell…?"_

 _"Hmpf,"_

 _"I need an orgasm,"_

 _He almost chokes on the coffee he is drinking, looking at Clarke over his newspaper to see if she is serious._

 _"Warn a guy will you," he exclaims, rolling his eyes at her, "What do you want me to do about that?" he asks then, more curious than ever where the conversation is going._

 _"I don't know, you know lot's of women and men for one night stands, maybe you can give me a number?" Clarke pulls the newspaper down a little further, cocking her head a little with a questioning look in her eyes._

 _"Hmm, I know this one guy," he starts, grabbing his phone, "here, call this number," he turns the phone towards Clarke, who is eagerly dialing the number he is showing on her own phone._

 _"Call him now, will you?" he says, mischievous glint in his eyes. She presses the green button and her phone starts calling. A name pops up on the screen. Before Bellamy can answer his phone she presses the 'End Call' button._

 _"Dick,"_

 _"I am very disappointed you don't recognize my phone number, after all this time… I thought we were friends Princess," he sticks out his tongue, pushing his glasses a little higher on his nose and straightening the newspaper to start reading again._

 _A few minutes pass, before Bellamy gets a phone call. He answers without looking at the caller ID._

 _"So, were you serious?" Clarke's voice is a little questioning. He puts down his newspaper and looks at her, phone still in hand._

 _"I offered, didn't I?" Clarke puts her phone down before nodding her head slowly at Bellamy._

 _"This could work," she muses, "you get off, I get off and we both know it's not going to be anything more than fucking,"_

 _"As long as we get some ground rules set up, I guess it could work,"_

 _"Yeah?" Clarke still asks a little skeptical._

 _"Sure, just, you know… don't fall in love, just some fun between the sheets," Bellamy looks deadly serious, discussing the rules he made up in his mind, "and let's say, at least one orgasm each, every time we hook up?" Clarke laughs a little at that._

 _"You think you can actually get me there, Blake?"_

 _"I will, no matter how long it takes," Bellamy sounds sure of himself. Clarke nods at that. She thrusts her hand forward across the table, almost spilling the coffee she deposited there, before she asked for Bellamy's help._

 _"Let's shake on it then," she smiles brightly, almost giddy, as Bellamy shakes on it._

 _"Let's say tonight, you take a ride, Princess," he grins at her, his eyes a little darker than Clarke ever saw. She nods again, putting her phone away._

 _"So, you want another coffee?" she asks, to change the subject._

 **Present**

The next morning Chloë woke Clarke with her feet. She was laying across the mattress they had put down the day before, her feet in Clarke's face, her head on the hard floor next to the mattress. Clarke smiled and sighed, rubbing her temples a little. She knew she couldn't take liquor anymore. But the headache wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.

"Time to make breakfast," she whispered more to herself than at Chloë, slowly placing her baby's feet back on the mattress and slowly walking to the kitchen. It wasn't long after that Chloë woke up, scrambling to her feet and jumping up, running to the kitchen.

"Pancakes?" she asks, though the answer is clear, as Clarke puts new batter in the frying pan. Chloë hugs her from behind, before asking, "can I start on mine already?"

As Clarke settles Chloë on the mattress with a plate of pancakes, cut up into pieces, she starts making a list in her head of what to do in the weekend. A lot of things are unpacking and making sure they have an actual bed to sleep in, but there is also a phone call she wants to make. She wonders what he'll say, after all this time. If he still wants to see her. She sighs, smelling the batter in the frying pan a little burned because of her lack of concentration. Quickly she flips the pancake, thanking whatever god there is that it's not totally burned.

After breakfast she pulls Chloë's clothing out of the duffle bag she packed right before going on the road with some clothing for her and Chloë and basic stuff like some cookies to eat, her phone charger and a book.

"I got to call someone, can you wait here. I'll let you have the ipad?" she grins at her daughter, as she knows it will keep Chloë busy as she is making the phone call she dreads. It isn't long before Chloë is launching on the mattress they slept on, ipad in hand, playing angry birds. Clarke decides to make the call in the kitchen, needing some privacy.

After dialing the number of the last time he called her, six months ago, she bites her lower lip nervously, fidgeting with the shirt she slept in.

"Clarke, how is everything?!" Monty exclaims happily. She hears a women's voice in the background, asking who it is. A little frown takes over on her face, all nervousness suddenly forgotten.

"Is that a girl I hear in the background, my favorite Asian?!" Clarke asks curious, already imagining the blush currently on Monty's face.

"I may have found the one, Clarke," he answers her, after she hears a door close on the other end of the phone.

"Well, then I guess I have to come by to make sure she knows what will happen to her if she breaks your heart, now won't I?" she asks with a smile, "I don't know when you have town, but I'm in town for… I don't know, at least as long as my contract with Arkadia's art gallery…" Clarke can't even end the sentence before Monty's screaming in her ear.

"You're back, you're back, god… you're back?!" he yells excitedly, "how, when, why? And damn it, why are you just saying this now?! I haven't spoken to you in like- half a year or something…," he almost sounds accusatory, "can we lunch together?!" he ends his rambling.

"I guess… I'm glad you're excited Monty," Clarke giggles a little, imagining Monty jumping around in the room he is standing in. She knew Monty would be the easiest to talk to. Though she wouldn't know why any of the girls would not be happy to hear from her. But that's something to think about later.

"Let's meet at your house, okay?" she asks. As she gets the address she wishes everything would go as easy as the conversation with Monty. Short and simple. It could go that way, right?


End file.
